Flower power Girl's Picked her Last Pansy
by arian
Summary: Parody of Aeris' death. Not recommended for serious Aeris fans who can't take a joke. And I use the word joke in the loosest sense.


# FLOWER POWER GIRL'S PICKED HER LAST PANSY

(Or how Aeris really died)

By Arian and Ryn

HEALTH WARNING : Both authors are victims of the same twisted sense of humour and therefore find _very strange things_ funny. Don't say you weren't warned…

Cloud arrives in the Forgotten City, or city of the Ancients, or whatever the damn place is called. He is accompanied by Cid and Vincent, both particularly bad tempered because Aeris has vanished overnight and now they have to track her down, or at least, follow Cloud as _he_ tries to track her down.

Cloud, on the other hand, is extremely worried for the flower girls' safety and is perhaps a little more vacant than usual (What am I _saying_?!)

# 

Cid - *%$@! This place is weird!

Vincent – Quite possibly more twisted than Hojos' mind… *Shudder*

Cid – No @*&$ wonder they all left… They must've gone out of their minds just trying to see the damn place properly! &^$^%$ Ancients! They have to make everything complicated, even the architecture.

Cloud – Do you mind? Aeris is an Ancient. Stop muttering and make yourselves useful by helping me find her. Sephiroth could already _be_ here!

Vincent – We'll rest first. If Cid doesn't get some sleep soon, he may start to curse continuously. Think of the young, impressionable minds that might hear him. I don't think you want that on your conscience, do you Cloud?

Cloud - *Winces* Perhaps you're right.

They head into one of the buildings in the bizarre city, in search of beds or something. Finally finding them, they all settle down to get some sleep.

Vincent wakes on hearing a familiar, but almost ghostly sounding voice. Walking to where Cloud lies sleeping, he finds the voice is coming from that vicinity. It was Aeris' voice!

Aeris – Cloud, wake up. I need you to come to the very centre of the city. Cloud, are you listening to me?

Vincent – Aeris? Sorry, but Cloud's still asleep. He probably won't wake up for some time.

Aeris – Why? *Sounding supremely put out*

Vincent – Well, when we got in here, Cid thought he saw one of those frogs and started waving that accursed mop around. He cracked Cloud pretty solid over the head, by accident, so we just put him to bed.

Aeris - *Long suffering sigh* Well you and Cid will have to do. I suppose Cloud will be laid out for the rest of the night. You two come to the centre of the city.

Aeris' voice fades away into nothing, the only sound now is Cids' loud snoring.

Vincent - Hey, Cid. *prods his friend* Hey, wake up!

No response

Vincent – Cid! Someone's stealing the Highwind!

Cid instantly awakes, hand reaching for his trusty mop.

Cid - @(*&$%! What? Who? Where?

Vincent - *Snickers quietly to himself* I must have been mistaken… But now you're awake, Aeris wants us to go into the very centre of the city.

Cid - &*%&^$ Aeris! I want to sleep! 

Vincent – Come on. You're awake now, we might as well see what she wants.

They leave Cloud asleep and head out into the city. After a few false starts, and a lot of cussing from Cid, they eventually get to the centre of the city.

Cid – Ok, we're *^%$£ here, now what?

Vincent - *Sigh* There's some steps there. I guess we just head on down and see if we can track down Aeris.

They head down the stairs. As they reach the bottom, Cid stops dead in his tracks and stares up to where Aeris is kneeling on a raised platform, surrounded by an ethereal glow.

Cid – What the @&^%$'s she doing?

Vincent, not expecting Cid to halt quite so suddenly, stumbles into the back of him. 

Cid – Aaaahhhh!!! Oh $&%*@!!! *loses his balance and crashes down towards the water* Help!!!!! 

Cid grabs at the only thing that is in reach to try and save himself – Vincents' cloak. There is a terrible sound of ripping fabric and all the colour drains from Vincents' face.

Vincent – My cloak! You *^%$! You _tore_ my cloak!

Cid - *&^%$££"$£^&((*&^%&$&^%! His eyes are glowing! Oh (&^%$, it's his Limit Break! *winces and ducks down*

Vincent transforms into Chaos, but where Cid has ducked to avoid him, sees only Aeris, who is desperately trying to summon Holy. He flies towards the oblivious flower girl as Cid watches in horror.

Aeris - *Looks up and realises that Vincent in Chaos form is about to attack* Oh $£^%&! 

Cid was only able to watch in stunned silence, the shock of Aeris cussing too much forhim to do anything to help her as Vincent struck. The pink-clad form soon fell heavily to the ground and Vincent is his normal self again. Cid runs up to join him.

Cid – You've@&£$% killed her! Cloud is going to _murder_ you!

Vincent – If you hadn't fallen and grabbed my cloak, then none of this - * looks up and both of them step back as a silver haired figure plummets down from above*

Sephiroth – What did you _do_? _I_ was supposed to do that! I've been looking forward to that for ages and you've ruined it now! 

Cid - *quickly runs behind Vincent* It was his &(*£$@ fault! 

Vincent - £$*&@£! I didn't mean to! He just… aw, hell, she _was_ annoying though, wasn'tshe?

Sephiroth – Yeah, but that's why I wanted to do it! It's not fair, I never get any of the fun! *starts to cry*

Vincent and Cid look away, slightly embarrassed, then are shocked to see Tifa, Red XIII and Cait Sith heading down towards them, all heavily armed. 

Vincent – What are you all doing down here? 

Tifa - *stares at him guiltily* Well, ummm, we were just … *Sees Aeris, with the Son of Jenova crouched beside her sobbing like a baby and muttering "Mommy, they wouldn't let me kill the flower girl! It's not fair!"*

Cait Sith – What _happened_? 

Cid and Vincent pour out the story again.

Vincent – It's obvious why Tifa is here, but what about you two? Why did you want tokill Aeris? 

Cait Sith – She's too cute! She was taking up _my_ rightful place as the cute, lovable one. 

Tifa – You're not cute, you're just annoying.

Red XIII – At least you weren't stuck in a cage with Aeris *shudders*

Cid - *Sees something shiny lying on the floor and picks it up* What the (*&£$%'s this? *throws the white materia over his shoulder, where it is heard falling into the water some distance away*

Hearing footsteps behind, they all turn around. 

Vincent – Lucrecia! What are you doing here? 

Lucrecia - *thinking fast* I've come to see you, of course! *Edges closer to Vincent, then grabs Death Penalty and backs away* Hey, you're not supposed to have this yet! You have tospeak to me later to get this! 

Vincent - *shrugs* Yuffie stole it for me. 

Lucrecia - *frowns* Where is she? 

Vincent – Who? Yuffie? 

Lucrecia – No, that wretched flower girl! 

Vincent - *shocked* You're here to kill her too?

Lucrecia – She's already dead?! 

Tifa – So, what's your motive?

Lucrecia – _I'm_ the tragic one! I should get all the tears, not some cutesy flower girl who lives in the slums!

Tifa – Uh huh. And killing her is a good way to make that happen?

Lucrecia – Um. _Now _I feel dumb.

Reno – Ok, where is she? 

Red XIII – The Turks! What're you doing here?

Reno – We've finally caught up with you. We're here to take the Cetra, and we're not taking no for an answer! *Looks around them all to see Aeris' body*

Cid - *Grinning evilly* Oh, feel free man. We won't put up a fight.

Rude – Umm, no it's OK, thanks.

Elena – What're we gonna do? Rufus'll kill us when we don't bring her back with us. What did you guys do, anyway? *Frowns* And why is the greatest warrior of our time crumpled in a pathetic heap on the floor? 

Tifa – Hey! What about Cloud? He's much better than Sephiroth!

Cid – You $^%$£ kidding?

Sudden realisation hits the gathering.

Vincent - *Whispers* Cloud! Oh my God! What am I going to say to Cloud? *Looks desperately at the others* It was an accident, right guys?

Cid – Vince, mate, you morphed into @(&^$£ Chaos and ^%@$£ attacked her, man. That's not exactly accidental, you know what I'm $@£&* saying?

Vincent - *remembering* Hell, I was aiming at you! Is it my fault you ducked? *His eyes start to glow dangerously again*

Tifa – No, Vince. Calm down, we've enough trouble as it is, without another corpse on our hands. *Glances thoughtfully at where Aeris is lying and sees Sephiroth rocking back and forth with the Masamune clutched to him, still muttering to himself.* Hang on, Vince. I gotta idea, but you're really gonna owe me big-time for this one. Come with me.

Vincent and Tifa wander over to where Aeris and Sephiroth are. 

Tifa – Umm… Sephiroth? Could we have a word…Umm…It's kinda important.

Sephiroth - *Looks up sulkily* What do you want? 

Tifa – Well, Vincent here, he's got this itsy bitsy little problem. You see, Cloud's going to kill him plus he's really gone and screwed up the whole narrative line of the game.

Sephiroth – And? I'm supposed to care? I'm the villain here, remember?

Cid - *Under his breath* Yeah, right. That's why you were %$*^ crying for Mommy.

Sephiroth – Was not!

Cid – Was so!

Both suddenly realise the turn the conversation has taken and cough, faintly embarrassed.

Sephiroth - *To Tifa, slightly more politely* You were saying?

Tifa - *Regaining her train of thought with difficulty* _Anyway_, you were supposed to kill Aeris, right? 

Sephiroth – Yeah, I'd been looking forward to it for ages. I had it all planned out and everything! Do you know how _long_ it took to climb way up there? *realises he is starting to whine and trails off, aware that he has dented his evil supervillain image enough for one day*

Tifa – Could you kinda mess with Clouds' mind? You could at least make _him_ think that it all happened the way you planned it.

Sephiroth - *Eyes light up* Yeah! *Gets a hold of himself* Ahem. I can do that for you, but just this once, Ok?

Red XIII - *Under his breath* Mess with Clouds' mind? Is there anything to mess _with_?

Tifa - *Turns away from Sephiroth back to the others* Vince is off the hook! Sephiroth's going to take the rap for Aeris' death, just like should've happened.

Vincent – Thank God! If I believed in God, which I don't, being half man, half Chaos demon, half chainsaw wielding maniac…

Red XIII – That adds up to more than…

Vincent – Oh shut up!

Cid – So instead of us having to tell Cloud that we all turned up here arguing over who got to (&^%£$ kill &£%$ Aeris, we all act like we're @£$*^£ heartbroken?

Tifa - *Nods* Yep. *Looks gratefully to Sephiroth* Thanks. We really owe you one for this. *To everyone* What're we gonna do with the body?

Sephiroth – Just dump it in the water. I'll put a whole sickly sweet funeral sequence into Clouds' dreams and he'll never know it's not the truth. Speaking of Cloud, you lot had better get back before he wakes up. *frowns* You might want to move him though. It'd be kind of odd if he'd just watched his true love die at the hands of his evil enemy and then just went back to bed.

Vincent – Ok, thanks. Come on guys, let's go.

Cid kicks the body unceremoniously into the water, cussing the whole time, then follows the others out, grateful that his and Vincents' escapade hadn't _completely_ destroyed the plotline.

THE NEXT DAY

Cloud has been subdued ever since he awoke with the memories of Aeris' untimely and tragic death.

Cloud - *Stricken with guilt* If only I'd _done_ something, instead of just standing there!

None of the others would look at him. Later, pulling himself together, he took note of his surroundings for the first time since he'd woken (with an unexplainable headache…)

Cloud - *Frowns* Vince?

Vincent – Yes, Cloud?

Cloud – What happened to your cloak?

Vincent - …

THE END!


End file.
